“The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.” (Matthew 6:22)
An Unexpected Change
About a month ago I received a letter from my local optometrist asking me to come in for an eye exam. Normally, I would not think much of this, but I noticed that in the two months previous my sight had improved significantly. Images that used to be cloudy became clear, and I didn’t have to hold my face close to a screen or a book to read it.
I went to the optometrist, had the test, and my suspicions were confirmed; though the structure of my eyes had not changed, the vision in my right eye had improved. It was also clear by implication that this had not affected the balance of vision in my left eye by anyway. The optometrist was surprised; she told me she expected that my vision would deteriorate until I was 25.
She proceeded to explain the possible causes (dietary changes I had made, my new medication regime), but despite my smiling and nodding in agreement, I knew that the change was all Christ’s work.
The Healing Process
At the start of 2015 I was struggling with a lot of challenges, and things were looking desperate in terms of my mental health. I was still able to function in a day-to-day capacity, but that was it. Work, study, and other pursuits were uphill battles which I was terrified of facing. My life was filled with a complicated and undeveloped theology which veered between intense Pentecostalism and flippant, vague atheism.
In retrospect I see that Jesus was using my circumstances to communicate that He was knocking on the door, waiting for me to let him in (Revelation 3:20). I committed to Sunday Mass again, fled to Adoration when life became stressful and started to make small adjustments in my life. It was not perfect, but once the door creaked open, Jesus had no trouble walking in.
“The lust of the eyes” – Quitting Porn for Good
The first thing I worked on was the rejection of pornography and all it entailed. As most young people will know, that is not an easy task, especially given that some of us were more or less raised on the stuff. It was, however, the most duplicitous sin I was committing, not only in terms of my values and relationships but because as I was viewing pornography I could literally see that it was evil, but was not able to stop myself.
The first thing I did was seek out strong, Catholic spiritual direction. I learned the triggers and emotional states that left me vulnerable, but that was only half the battle. The other half was confessing my shame and emotional trauma to some people very close to me, so that I did not have to feel like I was hiding from anyone anymore. I cannot stay the desires stopped straight away but now, two months later, I have very little desire to watch porn at all.
John the Evangelist referred to inordinate sexual desire as “the lust of the eyes.” Interestingly, as I laid my eyes upon the Blessed Sacrament rather than pornography, they began to heal.
Unlimited Forgiveness
When Jesus told the disciples we should forgive our neighbour “seventy times seven times” (Matthew 18:22), he did not intend for us to stop at 490 – though that would have been a lot better than what I was doing! Jesus calls us to forgive our neighbour without reserve, and the true meaning of those words occurred to me when I attended Journey to the Father, a retreat run by the Diocese of Christchurch.
Though there has been a lot of suffering and trauma in my life, some of it caused by others, kneeling before the Blessed Sacrament made me realise that we are all sinners before the Lord. I knew I needed to forgive everyone who had hurt me and – here’s the important part – mean it in my heart when I spoke the words “I forgive you.” What’s more, I knew I had to be prepared to forgive the same people, for the same things, in the future.
The effect of this new attitude was incredible. I felt a greater union with Christ, more compassion towards friends and family, and was released from many fears that plagued me in the past. The power of Christ’s forgiveness cannot be underrated.
Where to from here?
I know the job is not yet done; to return to the eye metaphor, my vision is better, but not quite 20 / 20. Still, it is an amazing experience to get a glimpse through Christ’s lens, and see people in a way that is closer to how He sees them. Eventually, I hope to advance the Kingdom of God by becoming the healer; often the best healers are the ones who have themselves been healed by Christ. For now I am taking it one day at a time, and I know the best is yet to come.
(Image: Mark Lorch)
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