This is my confession: I have a mental illness
When I was 17, I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression (yeah, we’re diving straight in) but I believe that if I’d had the guts to see my doctor earlier, it would’ve been diagnosed when I was 13, or maybe even earlier. I suffered from Insomnia throughout high school – most weeks surviving on as little as 20-30 hours sleep a week (along with some naps during class) and just recently, my doctor has begun to suspect I’m Bipolar.
Why am I tell you all of this? Because it’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It’s part of my story, my journey through life. Yeah, maybe it’s a bit more messy than your story, or maybe it’s less messy and you’re thinking that I should stop being so dramatic. Either way, mental illness is something that needs to be talked about so sit down, close your mouth, and pay attention. Please.
‘My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?’
When I was at my sickest, I was a very angry person. Here I was, a girl who had been baptised, had my First Communion, and I thought God was awesome! Then out of nowhere, He messed with the chemicals in my brain and ditched me, or at least that’s what it felt like. As a person with a mental illness, it can be very easy to feel like you’ve been abandoned by God or even worse, find yourself hating Him. Not only is this awful because God deserves our love, not our hate, but also because it can be so detrimental to recovery. Having anger at your mental illness does nothing but fuel it. The day I realized that is the day my recovery began and though I hadn’t found my faith at that time, it was also the day I stopped hating God. Letting go of the anger and the hate made me light enough to start the uphill journey to being healthy – before that it was like I was trying to drag a massive cement block up the hill with me, not impossible but a whole lot harder!
Let’s talk crazy
I’ve got to admit, I really hate that word. I mean, what is crazy? To me, crazy is how good Lord of the Rings is, or how people actually enjoy 50 Shades of Grey – it’s not someone who is suicidal, or anxious, or even some who sees things or hear voices. This word has done so much damage and to be honest, it’s stopped us talking about the real things, like the fact that solitary confinement a.k.a locking someone in a room by themselves, is still a thing that exists in mental health treatment. American Horror Story: Asylum is real, you guys, and we’re wasting our time and energy discriminating people for things they can’t control! Now that’s what I call crazy.
Sing it out
When you’re feeling down I know the temptation is to listen to sad songs because they make you feel understood but we all know that there’s really no benefit in doing something like that. In recent months, when I’ve been depressed I’ve taken to listening to songs about how great God is and how much He loves us – and by sing, I mean scream at the top of my lungs to make sure every fibre of my being truly believes the words I’m singing. When that doesn’t work, there are some great songs out there that can help you feel sad and understood while still acknowledging that God loves you and this isn’t the end. My personal favourite is ‘Blessings’ by Laura Story. The first time I heard it, it also felt like it was written for me. After so many years of feeling so low that I couldn’t get out of bed, this song made me look back at my life and see where my lowest moments brought me. Starting my medication taught me that I can’t control everything, relationships ending taught me that some people aren’t meant to be in my life, hating the place I live showed me where I belonged, and being betrayed and heartbroken is what lead me back to God.
“Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near? What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?
The lows you experience in your lifetime – whether they be from a mental illness or even just a bad day – are all going to lead you to where God wants you to be. He has this amazing plan for you and yeah, maybe that plan involves some shitty stuff but He never gives you more than you can handle and He always has your best interests in mind (He’s pretty great like that).
Moving past the past
The sad thing is, you don’t recover from a mental illness like you do from the flu. I will always be living with depression, constantly fighting a battle against the black dog which would seem like an impossible task to me if I didn’t have Jesus. I’m so far from where I used to be and I owe so much of that to the people I have in my life and the love of our Lord. I see happiness in my future now, which is a miracle because 4 years ago I wouldn’t have believed that having a future was a possibility let alone having a happy one. I thank God every day for the journey I’ve been through because it made me into the person I am today and it lead me straight back to Him.
If you or someone you know is suffering from a mental illness, PLEASE SEEK HELP!
If you need to talk to someone immediately call:
0800 543 354 (Lifeline NZ)
13 11 14 (Lifeline AUS)
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